The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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