I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
