tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
