i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
