the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
