Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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