corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm both gender and math confused
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
