I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Randomize
