i may or may not be watching the land before time
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm bleeding and have questions
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
