Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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