i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
