dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
