Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Two words: blizzard sex
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
