Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
