are you so shy because you have an std?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
