i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
