I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
