so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Randomize
