Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm at about main and main street
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
