mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
