Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
