I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
