So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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