textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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