He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
