just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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