I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
