At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize