my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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