Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
