Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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