Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Randomize
