fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
