how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
