my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
It's just like the Real World with babies
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
