I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
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