The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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