I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
