She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
