My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
