we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
