Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
