My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize