then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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