Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
