My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
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