I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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