There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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