We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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