Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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