Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
