Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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