I will die if light touches me.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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