I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
