My nipple is on Facebook.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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