woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Pants are for mortals
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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