one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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