I just threw up on my dentist
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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