So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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