my phone needs a breathalizer
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
