So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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