Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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