508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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