I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
