My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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